is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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