well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
