Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
