Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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