after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
