my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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