Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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