when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my liver is dry heaving
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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