He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
