also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
