i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
