homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
