Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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