theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
