i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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