I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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