Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
