So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
