So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
