The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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