bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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