There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
