someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Success! We fucked roommates!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
