Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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