chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
