There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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