I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
