you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
