Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
