P.S. I can't hear my feet
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
