yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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