I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
