It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
