I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
