Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
