She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
