brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
