You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
