his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
