sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
