Life is so much better after having sex.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
