Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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