i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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