final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
