Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
