My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
