So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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