Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
