FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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