Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
